The snow started coming down around lunchtime. Tori made her way to the dining hall and smiled when she she saw Shawn working. Shawn was young like Tori, with strong broad shoulders and a deep voice, but with a gentleness that was surprising. The way he helped serve the residents their food, the way he could make them laugh and smile, was something that Tori had admired from afar. She was unsure of what to do with Shawn’s warmth, was unable to really receive it herself.
“Lunch time already?” Shawn said as Tori approached him. His chocolate brown eyes smiled at her.
Tori nodded.
“I saved something special for you,” Shawn said, handing her a paper bag.
Tori felt her face darken. “Thanks,” she said, stumbling over the simple word.
“Don’t get too cold in that car of yours,” Shawn said. “Snow’s really coming down now.”
“I won’t,” Tori said, taking her food and leaving.
The snow fell in fat flakes as she walked to her car. She didn’t have the money to waste gas so she sat in the cold, trying to warm her hands with the styrofoam soup container. Her windshield was soon coated in a thick layer of snow and all Tori could see was white.
She couldn’t help but think of Mildred’s words.
Don’t let the loneliness win.
For Tori, it had always won, had always been at the very core of her being.
You have a lot of time for love to find you.
Mildred was technically right of course. Tori was young, but if living in a pandemic had taught her anything it was that no one really knew how much time they had left. No one knew when everything would just slip away and be gone forever.
Tori finished the soup and looked in the paper bag that Shawn had given her. There was something wrapped in a napkin still inside. When Tori opened it she found a sugar cookie in the shape of an angel. Her dress was of lavender frosting, her hair golden yellow. Tori bit into it and smiled, frosting sticking to her lips.
The afternoon passed quickly. Tori helped residents get dressed and eat, gave several baths, and helped facilitate a few more family visits. In a way, she didn’t want to leave, didn’t want to drive when the weather was bad, didn’t want to return to her small, dark apartment where she didn’t even have a Christmas tree.
“You sure you’ll be okay?” Shawn asked her as she put her coat on to leave that evening.
“Yeah I’ll be fine,” Tori said even though she wasn’t sure that was true.
Shawn was staying late to help with the special Christmas Eve dinner service so wouldn’t be leaving at the same time as her. Tori found that she looked forward to walking out with him every night even though they rarely spoke.
“Just in case,” Shawn said, handing Tori a piece of paper.
She looked at it and then back at him.
“My cell,” Shawn said. “Just in case.”
“Thanks,” Tori said. Her phone had died during her shift so she’d have to enter Shawn’s number later.
Her coat wasn’t thick enough to keep out the cold air and she quickly ran to her car. It took her ten minutes to clean it off before leaving and with every brush of the snow broom, Tori’s anxiety grew. It wasn’t a long drive but she was scared to go out in the storm.
Her tires slipped several times just leaving the parking lot.
“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” she said to herself as she drove. The visibility was low, her headlights illuminating the slanting snow. Thankfully, the roads were empty.
She crept along slowly, barely gripping the road that grew more and more treacherous. She didn’t see the plow until it was too late. It was coming at her from around a blind curve, its bright lights blinding her. Tori instinctively turned away from it which caused her car to lose its grip on the road and spin off the shoulder. For several seconds, Tori felt the complete loss of control, felt herself spinning in the darkness. She had enough time to think that it was all over before her car hit the tree.
Tori felt herself jerk forward when she hit the tree. It took her several minutes to catch her breath. She wiggled her toes, her fingers, moved her arms and legs. She seemed to be okay. It wasn’t over. The airbag hadn’t even gone off. She waited for the plow to check on her but it never came. Tori moved to make her way out of the car and realized she was stuck. She could unbuckle her seatbelt but her door was stuck shut. She frantically crawled around the car trying all of the doors but none of them budged. Tori felt herself starting to panic.
She could see that the snow was falling even harder now. She wasn’t sure how far off the road she was or even remember how close she was to her apartment. But she knew the snow was deep. She turned the car off, keeping the headlights on with the hopes that someone would find her. She put on her winter hat that was in the passenger seat and hoped that she could stay warm enough.
“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay,” Tori repeated over and over again.
But nothing felt okay. Her phone was a brick in her pocket.
This would be a fitting ending to her life she thought, almost laughing. A young girl dying alone in a snowstorm with no family who ever loved her, no person who ever cared for her, no one to even realize she wouldn’t make it home. Maybe some people were just meant to suffer more than others.
Tori tried the doors one more time but none of them budged. She moved to the backseat where she could stretch her legs better. The panic was subsiding, shifting into a tired hopelessness. She was cold and she could feel her eyes drooping. The last thing she saw was the snow still falling in the light of her headlights.
She startled awake to a pounding on her driver’s side door. “Tori?” she heard a voice say. “Tori? Are you in there?”
It took her a moment to realize it wasn’t a dream.
“Yes!” she said, crawling back to the front seat. “I’m here!”
“What the hell did you do?” the voice said. She realized it was Shawn. “And why can’t I get this door open?”
“There was a plow,” Tori said, but too quietly for Shawn to hear her.
“I’m gonna have to break a door open,” Shawn said. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay!” Tori said. Her car didn’t matter, she told herself. She just needed to get out.
When Shawn returned he directed her to the front passenger seat. “Now close your eyes,” he said.
Tori did so and heard glass shatter. When she opened them again, she saw the back window behind the driver’s seat was shattered.
“Come here,” Shawn said, extending his hand. Tori managed to crawl out of the window, Shawn helping her find her feet. She sunk into the snow that was now halfway to her knee.
“How did you find me?” Tori said, the snow stinging her face.
Shawn’s mask was gone and she could see his full lips that broke into a smile. “Mildred,” he said.
“What?”
“I dunno why and it doesn’t make sense but when I was helping her with dinner she told me to find you. That you were in trouble. She said I needed to find you.”
“Mildred told you to find me?”
Shawn nodded. “Like I said it doesn’t make any sense. I didn’t believe her, but she got so agitated and something just told me to go out and look for you. I’m glad I did.”
“Me too,” Tori said, her smile a mixture of confusion and relief. It didn’t make any sense.
“I can give you a ride home,” Shawn said. “We can deal with your car tomorrow.”
“It’s not going anywhere,” Tori said, looking back at the shattered window.
“Come on,” Shawn said, giving Tori his arm. She locked elbows with him and the two of them made their way up an embankment and to the road where Shawn’s Jeep was pulled over. He opened the passenger door for her.
“Thanks,” Tori said.
Shawn turned the heat on full blast and soon Tori was warm. “You know,” he said as he drove slowly, his eyes never leaving the road. “I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be spending Christmas Eve like this.”
“Sorry,” Tori said, immediately feeling guilty. “I’m sure you have family to see.”
“No, not really,” Shawn said, his eyes still on the road.
“Oh,” Tori said. “I know how that is.”
“I’m just glad I listened to Mildred,” Shawn said. “And I’m glad,” he said, his eyes now on her, “that I’m spending this evening with you.”
Tori felt her cheeks turn red and she looked out her window. Mildred had saved her against impossible odds. It didn’t make any sense but sometimes life didn’t make sense. Why had Tori been the child left alone, left to fend for herself, left without any family at all. Why did Mildred forget her words and her memories.
“I’m working again tomorrow,” Shawn said, his eyes back on the road.
“Me too,” Tori said, her stomach sinking as she thought of her car.
“I can give you a ride,” Shawn said, still not looking at her. “You know, since you don’t have a car right now.”
“That would be great,” Tori said, her voice wavering. “I really appreciate it.”
“It’s nothing,” Shawn said. “I’ve been wanting an excuse to spend more time with you for a long time.”
Tori was glad Shawn was driving and not looking at her because her face blazed. She looked straight ahead, her words caught in her throat.
“Maybe we could have lunch or dinner together?” Shawn said, talking when Tori couldn’t. “You know, since we’re both at work on Christmas.”
“I’d like that,” Tori managed to say.
Shawn smiled.
They fell into a comfortable silence and slowly made their way into town. Soon they were only a few blocks away from Tori’s apartment. Christmas lights shone through the heavily falling snow and there was a quietness that blanketed the landscape. Everything was still but she could hear Shawn’s steady breathing, could feel his warmth near her. She was okay. She was young. She was just beginning to live. Maybe Mildred was right. Maybe she did have time for love. Maybe she did have time for so much more.
😸